Questions that remain
by stilljustme
Summary: It's been two weeks and still Jamie finds himself at the Bitter End every night.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I recently watched the finale of season three (after refusing to watch it for a month because I didn't want to see Vinny die again) and – uhm, no. Definitely not what I wanted to see. I really appreciate Jamie's crisis of faith as a reaction to Vinny's death, but… that was all? Was the killer ever identified? And no tears at all? Well… I think you can guess what this story will be about. Kind of. **

**A/N2: I know, I know, A/Ns aren't meant to complain about things (especially not about such a wonderfully great show), but I realized there's no forum about Vinny, so… yeah, better not make this longer than the first one. Just… I hope you enjoy reading!**

"_It's okay, Jamie… it's okay."  
"Come on, Vinny, fight! Fight!" His fingers shook as he frantically tried to stop the blood flooding out of his partner. It was everywhere, hot and dark against Vinny's face. Jamie knew he had only seconds left. The street around him was already filled with blood, it was soaking through his uniform, under his skin… "Vinny, please." He tasted iron on his tongue but Vinny was still smiling.  
That braggy, easygoing smile of his.  
"I told you… I told you this is…"  
"No!" One of Jamie's blood-smeared hands moved up over his partner's mouth. "Don't you dare saying that. Fight!" Vinny's face was slick and cold with sweat, so cold against the hot blood around. Jamie dug his fingers deeper into his partner's skin. He didn't know why he knew it, but if Vinny ended that sentence, he would die.  
"Vinny, please. Please don't…" more blood filled Jamie's mouth and made him choke. Was he hit, too? Where was the shooter? Where was the damn bus?  
Another mouthful of blood cramped him down, and as Jamie fell to the side retching he felt his hand sliding off Vinny's lips.  
"… the end."  
"No!"_

Jamie woke up as he had fallen down in his dream, throwing up slime and blood. Just that it wasn't Vinny's blood, and it wasn't Vinny's skin that was soaked in cold sweat at three in the morning.  
Shivering with cold and exhaustion Jamie stood up and went into the bathroom. He didn't need to turn the lights on – he knew what had happened. It was the knuckles of his right hand, pressed into his mouth so he wouldn't scream in his nightmare. Instead he had bit it.

Cleaning the wound, showering, walking to the living room to sleep another hour before the fear of another nightmare would shake him up completely. Strange how fast this had become a routine.  
Jamie didn't bother changing the damp sheets – next night it would be the same, and the night after, as it had been since Vinny had died in his arms two weeks ago.

Quarter to four Jamie stood up and brewed coffee, stronger than he had ever drunk it, even in Harvard. In three hours he could go the bathroom again, then dress and drive – behave like a proper member of society.  
As if he cared for society's opinion anymore.  
As if his partner wasn't dead, and his killer still not identified.  
As if there wasn't someone to pay for Vinny Cruz' death.

And Jamie would find him.


	2. Chapter 2

The streets were flooded with the first gold of the day, blinding light but no warmth. It was beautiful, and cruel – that no matter how many people died, no matter how screwed the world was, the sun couldn't care less. Jamie had realized that after his mother had died, but it still hurt. The show must go on.  
But he couldn't. Not like that.

A police car passed him, the driving officer – Jackson – waving as he recognized his colleague. Jamie waved back, fighting down the sudden rage that made him want to scream at Jackson. Vinny was two weeks dead, and he was just going on as usual… which, of course, was exactly what he was supposed to do.  
As his hands started to shake Jamie pulled to the side and stopped. He wasn't mad at Jackson, not really. After all, Vinny wasn't exactly everyone's best friend. He hadn't been Jamie's best friend… they hadn't even been normal friends for a long time. Silently, Jamie had for many weeks hoped that Vinny would be transferred or… break a leg.  
But surely he never wanted him to die.

A knock at the window startled him.  
"You're sleeping in here, Harvard?" Renzulli smiled, but there was an edge of worry in his face that hindered the rage to break up again. The sergeant had lost too many cops to ever forget about it, and Jamie was sorry for him – but right now it felt good to see the seriousness in his eyes.  
Not everything was happy and bright again, at last.

As the wrinkles around Renzulli's eyes deepened Jamie hurried to get out of the car. "Morning, sarge. How you're doing?"  
"Better than you" the sergeant answered, sighing. "Your shift's not starting for more than an hour, what you're doing out here?"

The lie was on his lips, together with a fake smile. Who cared for truth, after all? Vinny's killer was still not brought to trial. Or maybe he was, but for drug dealing and bad behavior. Not for killing an NYPD officer.

"Hey." Renzulli moved towards his former rookie.  
Jamie swallowed. He had just remembered whom his rage was really directed to – his father. The Police Commissioner who used the death of one of his own to clear a district with hundreds of officers but then didn't bother to seek justice for the dead one.  
"Yeah, I'm… I just…"  
"I just missed my sessions with the shrink and now I hate the whole world" Renzulli completed, sarcastically.

Involuntarily, Jamie grinned. "Not quite. But... it's not fair. I mean Vinny's killer's probably still out there and we do nothing to find him."  
"You really weren't seeing the shrink, did you?" The sergeant shook his head, more upset than concerned now. "Come on, Jamie, do I really have to babysit you to go there?"  
"What would they tell me? To move on, to forget that my partner died in my arms right on the streets? To tell me that everything's fine and I'm just getting a new partner to be killed next to me?" His voice was loud in the clear cold air, and Jamie immediately regretted his words. "I'm sorry, sarge."  
"Well, can't say I didn't expect you to burst sooner or later. I actually thought it'd be worse." Renzulli shrugged. "It wasn't your fault. You _know_ that."  
Jamie took a deep breath. There were too many things to say about that, too many unasked questions to utter – especially at six in the morning leaning at a car. "Thank you, sarge."

His old TO frowned. "How did you survive your undercover job with that little of a pokerface?"  
Jamie held his glance as long as he could, but it wasn't long those days. His eyes were itching with tiredness, and the sergeant's old wise eyes only reminded him of a pair of other, older, wiser and usually kinder eyes.  
When he was a kid, a student, an aspiring officer,… he had always known he could come to his father for advice, and he would help him. That was one of the elementary truths Jamie had based his life on.  
And now he felt more alone than ever.


	3. Chapter 3

**Unfortunately, this story doesn't go half as easy as I wanted it to be... so sorry for another very short chapter, and thank you so much for all readers and reviews. **

"Morning, officer!" Peter Salducci smiled broadly, waving as he saw Jamie crossing the street. Jamie waved back, feeling lighter for a moment. This, at least, he had done right. The siblings were reunited and their business, as far as he had followed, was going stronger than ever.  
"Hey!" Victoria stepped out of the café. "Want some breakfast? It's on the house."  
"Still? You wanna ruin us again?" Peter grumbled, then smiled again. "Just joking, officer. We know what we owe you."  
Jamie shook his head. "I was just doing my job. Besides, I know one or two things about siblings." He closed his eyes for a moment as Joe's face appeared in his mind, so clear he almost reached out to touch him. Stupid. The dead ones did not return.  
Victoria, sensing but misinterpreting his sadness, gently put her hand on his arm. "You will solve it. I really don't believe there is any family feud you couldn't settle."  
He smiled again, forcing the memory away. It was becoming easier from day to day, and although Jamie knew that this was normal and he had to move on, it scared him. Joe had died six years ago. If Jamie could get him off his mind so fast now, what would remain in ten, twenty, fifty years?

Of course, if he lived that long. Vinny hadn't.

"Here. Family's a delicate thing at best. Don't worry about it now." A cup of coffee was put in front of him, and Victoria moved back as her brother sat down beside her. "What about your partner?" she asked, obviously trying to lighten the mood by the change of topic.

Jamie quickly dove his lips into the hot beverage so he wouldn't laugh. Hitting right on the spot.  
"Officer Cruz, he… he was shot. He died next to me, I couldn't help him. It was all too fast."  
"My god!" Victoria gasped. "I'm… I'm so sorry… how… when…" She looked at her brother, searching for help. Peter nodded grimly. "I heard about a cop going down. Bitter End, wasn't it?"  
"Yeah." Jamie took a deep breath. "We raided the whole quarter but I still don't know…" He bit his lips. "Sorry. I'm not really supposed to talk about it."  
"Oh, of course." Peter backed away hastily. "I got customers to care for anyway. Vic?"  
"Sure." The young woman stood up, smiling apologizing. "I'm really sorry about your partner. Take care."  
"Thank you. You too."

He realized too late that he hadn't paid for the coffee – which according to the rules meant he had stolen it. But it had felt too good to see someone else dumbstruck with Vinny's death, even if it was just for a moment. Someone else who wasn't coping like it had been just any other day.

His cell buzzed_. Cya 5? We can take mom's car.  
_Jamie laughed. As hot as Nicki was about driving, she refused to practice with her mother. It would be good to be with her. And maybe they could make it to the Bitter End, practicing narrow streets…

Jamie's hands closed so fast he spilled his coffee. The burning sensation, however, was nothing compared to the rage he felt at himself. That had become of him? He was risking Nicki's life just to get his revenge?

It really was time to get to the shrink.  
And to bring that son of a bitch down.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm back! After what feels like an eternity… sorry for that. And as always, I hope you like it.**

The shrink turned out to be a fifty-seven-year-old Mexican born and raised in Boston. He had studied in Harvard, it had turned out, and surely he was good in what he was doing – but Jamie knew in an instant that he couldn't help him. After ten minutes of small talk and nodding to assurances that he wasn't in any way guilty, that he had done everything he could, that his being with Vinny in his last moments had been as important for his partner as it had been painful to him (funny thing how that fat man wanted to know what was important for Vinny, probably without ever having seen him), Jamie left the narrow office. The tension and anger that had almost receded when he had talked to the Salduccis was back now, and it didn't quite help that he was incredibly tired.  
Or that leaning against his car, Danny waited for him, smiling broadly.  
"Morning, Jamie."  
"Danny." Jamie did his best not to sound too weary already. Maybe he brother wouldn't be a pain in the ass this time. Maybe.  
"I heard you're still waiting for your new partner so I asked Gormley for a day in the streets. He seemed to be quite happy to let me go. Can you believe that?"  
Jamie shrugged. "Do you really want an answer to that?"  
Danny's smile became wider. "Just remember I'll sit right beside you the whole day. Are you ready?"

No. No, he wasn't, and this was not only because of Vinny. Driving with your family was never a good idea. It had been bad with grandpa already, how was he supposed to survive Danny as his partner for a whole day?  
"Sure, get in."

After ten minutes of silence Danny sighed and gave up. "Are you alright?"  
Jamie grinned, enjoying the moment of victory, small as it was. "Yeah. You?"  
His brother frowned. "I don't believe you."  
Jamie kept his eyes on the street. So far, driving with Danny felt not as uncomfortable as he had feared. Then again, it had been only ten minutes.  
"Why don't you believe me?"  
"You didn't ask why I'm here."  
"To get off Gormley's nerves" Jamie tried to laugh, "what did you do now?"  
Snorting Danny shook his head.  
Jamie took a deep breath. He knew Danny had nothing to with his rage either. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he knew Jamie – knew him well enough to break him whenever he wanted to.  
And to raise him up again.  
"I'm sorry, Danny." For a moment he let his exhaustion show. "What are you doing here?"  
Danny remained quiet, but the anger had gone out of his eyes. After another minute he murmured, "I'm worried about you, kid."  
"Ain't you always? What am I doing wrong now, Danny? What is it you'd do differently?"  
"That's the problem" Danny grumbled, "nothing."  
Jamie stared at him. "Nothing?"  
Danny shook his head gravely. "You behave exactly as I would do. Which might be… well…"  
Jamie kept staring at his brother, his mind for once blank of Vinny. "Say it, Danny."  
Well, I'm not you. I don't talk about things and I'm okay. You bottle up like this and you're gonna… you know… watch out!"  
Jamie swung the car around, avoiding the crash by a hair's breadth.  
The pickup coming towards him full-speed didn't make it.

Lights. Crushed glass, engines screaming louder than he would have expected.  
Black, all of a sudden, but he hadn't lost consciousness, wo why couldn't he see?  
More stomach-churning noise.  
He had to find his brother. Jamie tried to lift his head and cried as flashes of light and fire shot through his brain. "Danny…"  
"Jamie?" Danny's voice was… somewhere, and hoarse.  
"What happened?" Jamie's tongue wouldn't work properly, and it tasted iron.

"Jamie, stay with me. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay."

"_It's okay, Reagan."_

"No" Jamie cried, coughing through the blood that was filling his mouth. Danny mustn't say that, he mustn't, not those words –

"_It's okay."_

"Danny please! Danny!"

Then the noises died down, and even the voice in Jamie's brain went quiet.


	5. Chapter 5

White light everywhere, blurring the human shapes standing around him. Erin and Linda, Jamie guessed, and over there his father and… Danny. Where was Danny?  
_It's okay…_

Jamie sat up, gasping for breath. Everything was coming back, mixed together, blurring at the edges. Vinny lay there before him, red with blood and Danny's eyes in his face. He heard bullets hissing through the air. Vinny was dead.  
Danny –

Held by various helping arms, Jamie managed not to fall out of the bed. The first face clearing up in front of him was his father's. He seemed to have aged twenty years since last Sunday's family dinner and Jamie couldn't help feeling compassion and love for him. It must be a nightmare to watch your children walking straight into mortal danger every day.  
Then again, Frank Reagan had chosen his fate. He had taken on the responsibility freely, and now he refused to look for vengeance… justice… the lawyer inside him jerked back at the first word, but a darker side whispered the truth Jamie had finally come to accept: that sometimes, those two terms meant the same.

"Jamie?" Erin's voice was the first to break the silence, tense and tired. How long were they standing here? And how was Danny? Surely Linda would never leave his side unless… unless…  
He couldn't think about it.  
But he needed to ask, needed to know that everything was going to be okay, that Joe was alive and well.

"Where's Joe?" His voice croaked loudly into the room, and Erin backed away while his father's grip around his shoulders tightened. "Jamie…" he started, sounding even wearier than his daughter, "Joe is… Jamie, what do you remember?"  
"I remember…" Obediently, Jamie closed his eyes and searched his brain for the past but it was hard with the cold pool of blood in the middle of his memories. There were faces swimming in there, but as long as he didn't look at them too closely, they wouldn't die. It was easy as that.

"Vin… Danny. Where's Danny? I know Joe's dead" he knew indeed, Jamie realized as the words dripped from his lips, hastily, scared, "but Danny's not supposed to be dead. Where is he? Where… why do you leave him alone?"  
The last question was directed at the woman he supposed Linda. When she gasped and started to sob Jamie realized that it was Nicky. When did she have grown so much? How… how old was she, exactly? There was a dim memory of him teaching her to drive, but surely a… thirteen? Twelve? Sixteen?  
Jamie swallowed. "Sorry, Nicky. I was just… I was…" Losing it. Everything. Jamie tried to smile, holding tight to the thought that he didn't want his niece to be scared by him.

The blood pool in his brain grew wider, drowning… things… he couldn't name anything but he knew that something was wrong here.

"Jamie? Jamie, what do you remember?"  
Jamie would have recognized the steel anytime, anyplace. His father was talking business, he was a cop now.  
And he, Jamie, wasn't he a cop, too?

"Danny?"  
"Will recover" Frank tried to smile but the relief wasn't overjoying him as much as it had five minutes before. Danny had been stabbed by glass and his left leg had almost been torn away, but he would be as good as new if he took his time to heal. Which Linda would make sure.

Jamie, though… he had been in a coma for more than two days, due to internal bleedings and a head trauma. Nobody had been able to tell them if the accident had caused brain damage, and if, what kind, and for how long it would stay.  
He had hoped, prayed, that there would be none.  
In vain, as it seemed.

"Jamie?"  
He bit his lips. He still remembered the first feeling towards his father when he woke up – anger -, though he couldn't quite remember why.  
"Don't be afraid" Erin's voice was choked. "Just say what comes into your mind."  
Jamie nodded. "But don't be mad at me."  
Frank chuckled, despite the nagging fear of what had happened to his boy. "I promise."  
"I remember I was angry at you. Very angry. Because of… Vinny." Jamie frowned.

"Who is Vinny?"


	6. Chapter 6

Vinny. Vincent Cruz. Born 1981, died 2013.  
Jamie shook his head as he looked at the photograph. It showed Vinny, sure enough, and him, leaning against their car. His grandfather had given the picture to him, said it was from a tour where they had taken Henry with them.  
A sunny day, not more than five months ago.

Jamie had no memory of it at all.

"Commissioner? Sergeant Renzulli's here." Garrett was used to see his boss lost in thoughts and looking sad as a lost puppy – those eyes, it were those eyes, his niece had explained to him when she had visited ten years ago and immediately fallen in love with Jamie, those eyes that made you want to hug them – but he rarely had seen Frank looking so tired and helpless.  
Then again, Jamie had never gone crazy before. Erin once after her marriage, Henry whenever someone told him he was old, and Danny… well, every other day.  
Not Jamie.

Frank looked down, ashamed by the sorrow he saw in Garrett's eyes. "Show him in."

Renzulli bowed with his cap in his hands, shortly but honestly as was his way. "Commissioner."  
"Tony." Frank managed a smile as he stood up and nodded towards the sofa at the window. Frowning slightly, the sergeant followed. "I need your help."  
"At your service, sir." The frown deepened. "How's Jamie doing?"  
Frank sighed. "This conversation remains between the two of us."  
Renzulli straightened up. "Of course, sir." His voice was firm but heavy with concern, and Frank felt deeply touched suddenly at the love his youngest son evoked in other people. If he could trust anybody with this, it was Renzulli.

"Jamie suffers from amnesia" he admitted and as Renzulli gasped, he quickly added, "it might be temporarily but the doctors aren't sure yet. When he woke up… no, that is wrong. When he woke up for the first time, everything was normal. And then within a couple of minutes a whole year disappeared from his memory. He didn't know about Linda working again, nothing about Nicki's driving lessons." He halted for a moment. "And nothing about the partner he lost."

He leant back, watching Renzulli taking in the information. After a moment, the sergeant nodded. "Will he come back? Cause then it'll cause a problem if he doesn't remember Vinny. He was his partner, after all, and he was the one calling for… I mean, he was keen in the past weeks to keep Vinny in our memories, not entirely to some other's pleasure." Renzulli shook his head. "Dead is dead, you know. We remember them but we can't keep thinking about them all the time or we'd never go out there again. With Vinny, though, it was different, being that … Commissioner, do you want me to talk to the officers so they won't mention Vinny's name?"  
"Do you think that would help?" Frank was mildly surprised.  
"Honestly?" Renzulli swallowed. "No. I think it wouldn't help Jamie if he thought that everybody else has forgotten about Vinny. As I said, he…"  
"He thought I hadn't done enough to bring Vinny's killers to justice" Frank completed as Renzulli obviously couldn't bring himself to speak further.  
Thankfully, the sergeant nodded. "Yes, sir."  
"And what do you think, Tony?"  
"I think…" Renzulli's voice broke off but he held the commissioner's glance, stubborn and respectful. Frank knew what he was asking from the man, and it pained him that he had put the sergeant through this, but he had no other choice.  
In the past weeks Jamie had hardly spoken with him, had hardly spoken with anybody. And now he didn't remember the reason for his anger. Was that good in the end?

Renzulli looked down, turning his cap in his hands. "Sir, I think your campaign in the Bitter End was a great idea, and greatly executed. We did a lot good for those people living there, a lot more than if we'd just gone off chasing the killers of one man. Even one of our own. But…" he took a deep breath, summoning his courage. Frank waited patiently.  
"But that doesn't mean that a cop killer can get away. I'm sure we already have Vinny's killer locked up for something, but not yet for the right thing. And for all it's worth Jamie thought the same. The morning of the accident I saw him an hour before his shift, mad at the world… I told him to go see the shrink, but I should've known it wouldn't help. I shouldn't have let him go" his voice had gone quiet, his head moved down.  
Frank shook his head. "None of this is your fault, Tony. And thank you for your honesty."  
Renzulli quickly nodded and stood up. He stopped at the door.  
"So what are you going to do now?"  
Frank sighed. "Could you do me a favor? Get me the report of Vinny Cruz' death. I'll find out who did this. And then…I don't know." He closed his eyes, looking so tired that Renzulli almost walked towards him. Almost. Reagan or no Reagan he still was his boss.  
"Pray for him, Tony. That is all I can ask of you."  
"I already do, sir."

"Sarge!" Jamie smiled at the familiar face. He surely had forgotten some things about Renzulli, but there was a lot he knew.  
"Hey, Harvard. How you're doing?"  
Like that. Harvard. His old nickname.  
Jamie shrugged. "I don't know."  
"You don't know how you're feeling? That's sad." Renzulli winked though his heart almost broke. In an instant the decision was made. He could lose his job for this, or more, but it was obvious that Jamie wasn't himself anymore. He needed that lost part back.

He needed Vinny back.  
"Are you allowed to leave?"  
"I'm not sure, but if we don't ask we won't break any rules." Jamie smirked weakly, then held out the photograph. "Sarge, I don't know anything about this man. Or about myself that day. I made Nicki cry five times since I woke up."  
"I know." Renzulli pulled back the blanket and helped the younger man stand up. "Which is why we have to go now. Come on, aren't there supposed to be wheelchairs standing around for kidnapping all the time?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Right, Harvard. Here we are." Renzulli looked at his former rookie, already half regretting his idea. Jamie was pale and sweating, and so far he didn't seem to recognize any of the streets. They were deep in the Bitter End by now, parking behind a corner that would lead them right to the alley where Vinny had been shot.  
Noticing the sergeant's glance on him, Jamie quickly looked around, then shook his head in frustration. "I'm sorry, sarge. I don't remember being here. It feels like…" he looked down, his voice low and filled with guilt, "… nothing. I feel nothing. And not only about… Vinny Cruz." He said the name cautiously, as if he wasn't used to it.  
Renzulli nodded slowly, careful not to show his sorrow. "Who else? I won't tell your father if that's what bothers you" he guessed, and Jamie sighed in relief. He still looked guilty, though, but Renzulli knew Jamie too well to be alarmed by that. One of the youngster's greatest problem had always been that he was a knight deep inside his heart – it was a Reagan problem, actually, even Danny had his knight-in-shining-armor-moments - , he would always feel guilty for something. Jamie's rational side knew that he could not save everybody but Renzulli doubted that he really had accepted it.

"It is about… about him, to be honest." Jamie shot a short glance at the older cop who this time couldn't hide his surprise. "Commissioner Reagan?"  
"I know I love him but at the same time I know I hate him. Somehow. I can't say why, and I can't say how long it'll last… I guess I'll get used to loving him again, I mean, I always have and…" He buried his face in his hands. "I guess it's okay to have mixed feelings about Danny, though…"  
Renzulli tried to laugh. "Yes, absolutely."  
"…maybe it's got nothing to do with amnesia, maybe it's just… my life. I know I worked hard to get through Harvard with good grades, and I had a life laid out in front of me, with a wife and children and… and… then Joe died and I felt like I was missing something. We only have one life, you know?" Helplessly he looked at his former TO. "I'm not sure if I really have made the right decision. Have you…" he swallowed and looked down again, not daring to hold the glance any longer. "Have you ever had second thoughts? You don't have to answer that, of course, but…"  
"Of course I had" Renzulli interrupted brusquely, then his voice softened. "I know no cop who didn't ever look back and ask himself what he's doing. That's the job. Sooner or later you realize that the ideals you're fighting for aren't quite alive everywhere." _In places like this, for example._  
Renzulli looked around. It was quiet outside, the streets… almost empty. They were alone except for a motorbike and five men at the next corner.

"What a prospect" Jamie said drily. "So what am I about to do?"  
"Can't help you with that" Renzulli shook his head, wondering if he was getting paranoid. "And neither can your father, so don't hold that decision on what you feel for him. Or for your brother – Joe or Danny."  
Jamie stared at him. "What?"  
The sergeant sighed. For the second time today he was treading _very_ delicate ground, and for the second time he had the feeling that it could cost his job. Or worse.  
"Jamie, you… I think… oh, seriously, what are these guys waiting for? See them?"  
"Where? Yes. Do you think they're after us?"  
"Don't know. But maybe we should…"  
"Let's go see where it ended. Or started, whatever." Jamie opened the door. "The sooner we get in, the sooner we get out."

Renzulli had to run a few paces to reach the other. "Jamie, are you sure that…"  
"We're already here. What have we got to lose?"  
_Our lives, probably_. But Renzulli shoved the thought away. He had sworn to serve and protect, and he knew for a fact that many people living here were good and honest people. Hell, one of them even had made it to the NYPD. _And died for it_, the bitter voice in his head said. Renzulli shook his head. Not now.

Jamie started running, his face hard but with his eyes swimming in tears as he reached the place. "Was it here?" He turned around to the sarge, shaking with exhaustion and fear. "Was it here?"

He didn't remember. Renzulli saw it in the big brown eyes, helpless and innocent. He opened his mouth but the words wouldn't come.  
Jamie swallowed. "I've lost it."  
"You don't. Don't be so hard on yourself, you…"  
"Sarge, get down!"

At least his instincts hadn't left Jamie. He dropped down next to the sarge as bullets cut the air at the Bitter End once again.


	8. Chapter 8

"Stay put!" Renzulli pushed Jamie down behind a low wall – the wall Vinny had died, he suggested looking at signs of fresh paint –, released his gun and fired back. Four bullets so far, obviously all from up and behind them, but the aggressor was hidden well, and just as the sergeant looked up, the shooting stopped.  
Jamie tried to get up. "Let's…"  
"Stay put." Renzulli's hand on the younger man's neck was like iron. Quietly he let his gun slide down and took out his radio. "Shooting at Vinny's End, we need assistance!" He managed a short grin at Jamie's frowning. "There's no cop ever going to forget about Vinny. I wanted to tell you that earlier but…" he shrugged. "Anyway. I don't know what this guy wants but he won't get us as easy as that." Renzulli relaxed his grip on the young man when he realized his hand was shivering.  
They had only one gun. Thirty-four more possibilities to stop the shooter, but what if it was more than one? What if back-up was taking too long?  
What if he lost another Reagan?

He'd rather not survive that. Renzulli took a deep breath, suddenly calm despite two new shots falling. "On three I want you to run."  
Jamie stared at him. "Sarge…"  
"My idea, my responsibility. I'm sorry for dragging you here, Harvard. I'm so sorry." The elder man was close to tears.  
"Don't. It was a good idea. Except for…" there was no need to finish the sentence as more shots came flying. Renzulli cursed and blindly fired upwards. Safety was probably only five steps away, between the whole-wall sides of two houses, but it might as well be an ocean.  
Wincing, Jamie knelt down. "Forget it, sarge. We're gonna die. Together." They would. They really would.  
For a brief moment Jamie felt relieved he wouldn't have to put up with his family and his brain anymore. They'd bury him in the family grave and forget about the last days, hopefully.  
"Don't give me those puppy eyes now" Renzulli growled, straightening up for the next attack. "Funny, isn't it?" he muttered more to himself. "You get to live through all those dangerous places and people and then you die visiting a once endangered place. So much for the commissioner cleaning up." He swallowed. "Don't tell him that, will you? I don't want to risk my wife getting the whole of my pension." His wife who would be awfully angry at him. Renzulli felt his mouth going dry. Fearing for his life was no new situation, though it had been years ago since he really had been in lethal danger.  
But this was new.

Jamie reached for his hand. The shoots were coming closer, and more frequent.  
"Thank you for trying, sarge. It's okay."

It's okay.

Vinny, pale as death. Well, he was on the verge of death then. His eyes were the only thing still alive, filled with fear.  
Like Renzulli's were, right now.

"Harvard?"  
"I remember."  
"What?" Renzulli shouted.  
"I remember" Jamie yelled back as he sank back against the wall, staring right through the sergeant. "I remember everything."  
"Great." Renzulli chuckled bitterly. "Then it wasn't totally in vain, was it?" He couldn't help laughing at the next bullet hitting dangerously close to his head. Twenty-nine shots left but he was shooting blindly. It was useless.

"I don't know." Jamie sat upright to get a look on the aggressor but then quickly ducked down again. "Maybe I should never have become a cop. Maybe it was just… I mean…"

"Don't you ever let your brother hear that!"  
Maria Baez stormed forward, followed by eight officers, shooting at whatever movement she saw. "Sarge, don't look that relieved. You'll have to answer for that."  
Renzulli closed his eyes as the shooting went on, till finally everything was quiet.  
Then he started crying.


	9. Chapter 9

"Commissioner? It's Jamie." Garrett didn't wait for his boss'reaction as he showed the young man in and then quickly left.  
Frank took a deep breath and stood up, smiling – if carefully – as he looked at his youngest. "Hello, son."  
"Hey, dad." Obviously nervous Jamie stepped closer. "I'm sorry to burst in like…"  
"It's okay." Frank quickly smiled, silently warning himself to be calmer. He needed Jamie know that he had every time in the world to speak his mind, and that this family was his home after all. He needed to be patient.  
But that was easier said than done, Frank realized, when he himself was so insecure.  
This was his son. His little golden boy, who had cried ten days for a dead bird, who had always been the one comforting his siblings.  
He shook his head. Those were not the memories he needed right now. Much had happened since then. Jamie had grown up, he had chosen his path against all odds and all objections from his family. He had lost his mother, his brother, his fiancée, now his partner. He had lost his memory and his faith in his father – Frank sat down again and placed his hands on the desk plate. Normally the old polished wood calmed him down but now all he felt was his pulse rushing through his fingers.  
He could lose his son now.

"It's okay", he said again, and then winced at his own words. "I mean… it's alright. You're always welcome. No matter…" he shook his head, struggling for words.  
Jamie smiled shyly. "No matter if I stay a cop or not?"  
Frank closed his eyes. "You don't have to decide now. But… but yes…" he took a deep breath and looked his son full in the eyes. "Yes, basically that's what I meant."  
Jamie held the glance, still nervous but with an edge of pride Frank had noticed first on Jamie's graduation from the academy. He wasn't sure if Jamie was even aware of how his job had changed him – for the better, because the negative sides were all too visible – but by now Frank knew that if Mary had been alive, she would have been absolutely happy with his choice, no matter the dangers.  
Danny had chosen the NYPD because he enjoyed holding power and doing something good at the same time, because he wanted to be a hero. Joe had followed him because it was what male Reagans did and because he admired his father and the other cops and wanted to be a part of it.  
But Jamie, same as Erin, had chosen his job because he _needed_ to do it. Unlike his brothers he had never had thought about an alternative, never thought about whether he would be fit for the job. He had known that he was.  
Did he still know it?

After a long silence, Jamie sat down opposite his father and looked out of the window. "I'll stay."

Frank quickly closed his eyes so tears of relief wouldn't fall, but Jamie didn't seem to notice anyway. He was still staring at the skyline of New York City, without really seeing it. "Once I thought I had to become someone else so mom would be happy, and then I thought I had to be a cop to honor Joe."  
Frank frowned. "Was that the only reason?"  
Jamie slowly shook his head. "No, just…" he bit his lips, his voice went even lower. "I'm just tired of thinking about what I have to do. Last time I did it almost killed Danny." He brought his hand over his face, stifling a yawn. "He'll be out tomorrow, by the way. And quite angry at you for leaving him out of the operation."  
"I know." Frank smiled. The only good thing about Danny's and Jamie's accident was that both of them had been in hospital when the second raid in Bitter End was executed three days ago. It turned out that Vinny's killer had indeed been imprisoned the last time. He had been questioned again and was now waiting for his sentence.  
"I wanted to be there as well" Jamie said, more tired than angry. "I felt like… if I didn't catch his killer, at least I had to be there and look him into the eyes. But now… I'm glad I didn't have to. I don't want my memories of Vinny ending with the face of his killer. And I don't want to go chase people like Danny does. I mean, he's great, but…"  
"I know what you mean" Frank gently interrupted, much of his tension gone by now. "You won't be applying for detective."  
Jamie nodded, still without looking at him. "I like the job I'm doing now, dad. I like being on the streets and wear a uniform so people will know they can trust me and that I will do my best to help them…"  
"That is a beautiful thought, Jamie. Nothing wrong with…"  
"And then I ask myself, is this only because Vinny died in his uniform? Like there's so much…" Jamie's voice broke. "So many ideals and people I'm carrying that I sometimes wonder who I am underneath." He buried his face in his hands so Frank had to stand up and get closer to understand what he was saying. "I remember everything but there are still some questions that remain. I…"  
When he started sobbing, Frank knelt down before him and took him in his arms. For the first time in almost two months, Jamie didn't shy away from the touch but leant into it and held his father close. "I didn't want to hate you", he murmured, and Frank couldn't help smiling, "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for Danny, I never… never…"  
"Of course you didn't" the commissioner said firmly, "Jamie, nobody would ever think anything like that. And wanting revenge… well, it's not good, but it is human." He held his son at arm's length away but didn't let go. "We are all just human."  
Jamie nodded, but Frank knew him well enough to know he wasn't feeling much better.

"Will I ever stop feeling like it was my entire fault? Will the pain ever end?"  
"It will take some time" Frank said gently, answering his own doubts as well as Jamie's question. "I know that's hard, especially when you fight through each day. And no, it will never end completely."

Jamie closed his eyes and leant back. "I have another question, actually."  
Frank stood up and, sensing his son's effort to hold himself together, walked around the desk to sit down again. "Tell me, Jamie."  
Jamie opened his eyes again. "Can you forgive me? For everything? And what about…" he hissed in shock, "what about Renzulli?"  
At the sergeant's name, Frank frowned. "What would you do in my place?"  
Jamie looked at him almost challengingly. "Nobody got seriously hurt, and he just tried to help. And it worked. If I was you I'd just let it go. It was a risk, it happened. And asking me as the endangered one, I'm thankful for everything he did. I can't even say I forgive him because I don't know what there'd be to forgive."

Frank smiled. "There you have your answer."


End file.
